Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Openly talking about a difficult subject

     So I am going to start to talk about my depression. I know this is a difficult topic for a lot of people. I have struggled with depression on and off since I was eight. The worse it has been was when I had finished my Airframe and Powerplant license and schooling just after 9-11 and wondering what do I do now. I would have debilitating panic attacks and had very dark thoughts even those of committing suicide. But the thing that kept me going as silly as it is was I did not want to put my family through that and I did not want to leave them with a mess to clean up. That is what I was most worried about, someone having to clean up after my lifeless body. So as bad as it gets now I have a lot more to live for now and I will fight through this depression because I have a family and I need to get better.
     I used to write in a journal when things would get bad to help get my feelings out, but I feel that is no longer working. My downward self loathing is getting bad enough it is starting to affect my work. It has long affected my home life and my wife deserves sainthood (a whole book should be written on this), but i am starting to make mistakes at work that i would have never of made before. I am one of those people who has a very difficult time turning off the troubles that are bothering me at work when I get home so my grumpiness there has effected my home life, now this bought with depression has gone on so long that my home life has started to effect my work life and I cannot let this continue or I will push everyone who cares about me away before I can get better.
     My fears have kept me away from therapy / therapist for almost three decades now for not entirely unreasonable reasons. When I was in the second grade I was found to be very intelligent, but very incapable of keeping at the task at hand. I went to see lots of doctors and others, and they eventually diagnosed me with what would be called ADD. After my stroke I would also be diagnosed with Aspergers which at the time was not a known or categorized mental disorder. So it was recommended that I see a specialist to help me to focus and possibly put me on meds to help with my concentration. I had and have very little recollection of these appointments. I can remember some details from the time I was in diapers and could before my stroke remember most of my childhood and most of growing up in some detail. My psychologist was also very practic in the art of hypnosis. He is now serving two life sentences for child molestation. While I cannot recall or remember anything from that time the thought of seeing a shrink fills me with dread and makes my heart race and gives me the feeling of being trapped in a very small room. I have been seeing my therapist now for three months and though I do not feel any progress is being made I no longer stare at the door and window the entire time of our visits making sure I have an escape route at all times.
     So that is me in a nut shell. I have been trying to use this as a place to promote things that I do and I will continue to do that, but i wanted to expand this to a place where I could speak my mind freely. I often times have things to say that don't really fit anywhere else on the web like facebook or twitter, but still want to write them down. I don't know why, but I feel there is something healthy about writing our your feelings for others to read. It is almost empowering to expose yourself to the world in this way. Kind of like challenging the world to say something about it because honestly I don't care either way. And I don't mean that negatively I mean I am happy with myself. I was bullied relentlessly when I was younger and for no good reason. I was just a bit off. I thought differently than others. Was it tough then yes, did i find friends like me yes, and now i am stronger for it. would I change it if I could, of course no child should be bullied, but I am still standing here all of these years latter. So now that I have my first "long" post on here I will try to post here more frequently and I will try to answer questions when asked. so until i write again these are my words and opinions and you cannot change that ;P

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