Thursday, December 14, 2017

I can haz mental breakdown

     So I thought I had reached a new low in my depression, but life pulls out all the stops and proves how wrong I can be once again. I work in IT and i work with virtual infrastructures. I am in the process of trying to build a special image for a new technology we are trying to get working and it is not going well as our vendor has essentially abandoned us as we have used all of our support hours and their documentation is crap. So me and another guy have been trying to piece it together. part of this process is making changes to its master image and then deploying it to our prod test environment and then testing it looking through the log files and then seeing if we can find anything in the documentation to help us solve for the error in the log files. In one of these numerous deployments in my already stress riddled state I made a mistake and started to copy this image over the current prod image. We started to get calls from help desk we realized shortly what was going on and had everything back to operational normal within 66 minutes. This kind of things happen infrequently but this was my first big fuck up. It does not help the image names are only 2 letters different and i had brought up my concerns about this before when I had almost done this before but I was going to face a disciplinary action. So my meeting came with my lead and manager... From higher up they have decided to make this a two and a half strike offence, and write this up as a written warning now this is significant for two reasons. One written warnings do not expire or have a reductionary period so as long as I am with this company this will be hanging over my head, and two they have a strict three strikes and you are out policy. So while I have been an exemplary employee for over 5 years for this company receiving several awards including employee of this work site in my first year any small infraction going forward will be a fireable offence!
     I have not been in a good place with my mental health, but I usually take pride in my work it is the one thing I am usually really good at. at 37 my last five jobs takes my back to highschool, and I have never been fired from a job and have only quit one job. all other jobs I have moved up from or moved away from. My home life has not been great recently but i have been working on it and most of my performance reviews it is brought up from my managers that I need a better work home life balance. It is not something i chose, but something that compels me. So hearing this news sucked all the wind out of the room. I have felt like there has been an elephant sitting on my chest and when I got home that night I had to have my wife help put things into perspective to help me from spiraling all the way out of context.
     During that meeting my manager and lead said they would be there to help and were going to help me with some work resources i could use. I asked for those resources to be emailed to me so i could follow up with them. I have yet to hear anything back. And then the topper today only a few days latter was our teams scheduled birthday lunch. we get together every month to spend some time outside of work just to hangout and eat. these are very informal and usually a good time overall and a much needed break from the work week. Last month with the holidays and a number of people out throughout the week we were not able to have one (which included my birthday). today was scheduled for makeup and December birthdays. I have been working in my office and when the meeting timer went off i went to check where we were going because there was not a place listed in the calendar invite, everyone was already gone.
     So i am left to believe that yes in fact this company and the people around me do in fact not really care about me. I have a number of health issues and during my tenure here have been hospitalized twice, diagnosed with severe migraines, debilitating depression and anxiety, and a brain tumor. I know for most people I am the jolly guy that is willing to help no mater what always with a smile on his face, but that smile has been missing for a little bit now and all i feel is heavy sadness. and it seems as if no one other than my wife and therapist even notice or care. people who have worked with me during a building build sometimes 60-80 hours a week side by side do not notice that i no longer have that goofy grin on my face anymore and i think that hurts the most right now that after having said that they feel i needed to take time off to help get myself better, and back in order do not even notice when i am not present in a group of 11 people. i do not know what i was expecting but i was hoping for at least something. i have a therapy appointment this afternoon thankfully, but at this rate its hard to see any light moving forward.

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