Thursday, December 14, 2017

I can haz mental breakdown

     So I thought I had reached a new low in my depression, but life pulls out all the stops and proves how wrong I can be once again. I work in IT and i work with virtual infrastructures. I am in the process of trying to build a special image for a new technology we are trying to get working and it is not going well as our vendor has essentially abandoned us as we have used all of our support hours and their documentation is crap. So me and another guy have been trying to piece it together. part of this process is making changes to its master image and then deploying it to our prod test environment and then testing it looking through the log files and then seeing if we can find anything in the documentation to help us solve for the error in the log files. In one of these numerous deployments in my already stress riddled state I made a mistake and started to copy this image over the current prod image. We started to get calls from help desk we realized shortly what was going on and had everything back to operational normal within 66 minutes. This kind of things happen infrequently but this was my first big fuck up. It does not help the image names are only 2 letters different and i had brought up my concerns about this before when I had almost done this before but I was going to face a disciplinary action. So my meeting came with my lead and manager... From higher up they have decided to make this a two and a half strike offence, and write this up as a written warning now this is significant for two reasons. One written warnings do not expire or have a reductionary period so as long as I am with this company this will be hanging over my head, and two they have a strict three strikes and you are out policy. So while I have been an exemplary employee for over 5 years for this company receiving several awards including employee of this work site in my first year any small infraction going forward will be a fireable offence!
     I have not been in a good place with my mental health, but I usually take pride in my work it is the one thing I am usually really good at. at 37 my last five jobs takes my back to highschool, and I have never been fired from a job and have only quit one job. all other jobs I have moved up from or moved away from. My home life has not been great recently but i have been working on it and most of my performance reviews it is brought up from my managers that I need a better work home life balance. It is not something i chose, but something that compels me. So hearing this news sucked all the wind out of the room. I have felt like there has been an elephant sitting on my chest and when I got home that night I had to have my wife help put things into perspective to help me from spiraling all the way out of context.
     During that meeting my manager and lead said they would be there to help and were going to help me with some work resources i could use. I asked for those resources to be emailed to me so i could follow up with them. I have yet to hear anything back. And then the topper today only a few days latter was our teams scheduled birthday lunch. we get together every month to spend some time outside of work just to hangout and eat. these are very informal and usually a good time overall and a much needed break from the work week. Last month with the holidays and a number of people out throughout the week we were not able to have one (which included my birthday). today was scheduled for makeup and December birthdays. I have been working in my office and when the meeting timer went off i went to check where we were going because there was not a place listed in the calendar invite, everyone was already gone.
     So i am left to believe that yes in fact this company and the people around me do in fact not really care about me. I have a number of health issues and during my tenure here have been hospitalized twice, diagnosed with severe migraines, debilitating depression and anxiety, and a brain tumor. I know for most people I am the jolly guy that is willing to help no mater what always with a smile on his face, but that smile has been missing for a little bit now and all i feel is heavy sadness. and it seems as if no one other than my wife and therapist even notice or care. people who have worked with me during a building build sometimes 60-80 hours a week side by side do not notice that i no longer have that goofy grin on my face anymore and i think that hurts the most right now that after having said that they feel i needed to take time off to help get myself better, and back in order do not even notice when i am not present in a group of 11 people. i do not know what i was expecting but i was hoping for at least something. i have a therapy appointment this afternoon thankfully, but at this rate its hard to see any light moving forward.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Openly talking about a difficult subject

     So I am going to start to talk about my depression. I know this is a difficult topic for a lot of people. I have struggled with depression on and off since I was eight. The worse it has been was when I had finished my Airframe and Powerplant license and schooling just after 9-11 and wondering what do I do now. I would have debilitating panic attacks and had very dark thoughts even those of committing suicide. But the thing that kept me going as silly as it is was I did not want to put my family through that and I did not want to leave them with a mess to clean up. That is what I was most worried about, someone having to clean up after my lifeless body. So as bad as it gets now I have a lot more to live for now and I will fight through this depression because I have a family and I need to get better.
     I used to write in a journal when things would get bad to help get my feelings out, but I feel that is no longer working. My downward self loathing is getting bad enough it is starting to affect my work. It has long affected my home life and my wife deserves sainthood (a whole book should be written on this), but i am starting to make mistakes at work that i would have never of made before. I am one of those people who has a very difficult time turning off the troubles that are bothering me at work when I get home so my grumpiness there has effected my home life, now this bought with depression has gone on so long that my home life has started to effect my work life and I cannot let this continue or I will push everyone who cares about me away before I can get better.
     My fears have kept me away from therapy / therapist for almost three decades now for not entirely unreasonable reasons. When I was in the second grade I was found to be very intelligent, but very incapable of keeping at the task at hand. I went to see lots of doctors and others, and they eventually diagnosed me with what would be called ADD. After my stroke I would also be diagnosed with Aspergers which at the time was not a known or categorized mental disorder. So it was recommended that I see a specialist to help me to focus and possibly put me on meds to help with my concentration. I had and have very little recollection of these appointments. I can remember some details from the time I was in diapers and could before my stroke remember most of my childhood and most of growing up in some detail. My psychologist was also very practic in the art of hypnosis. He is now serving two life sentences for child molestation. While I cannot recall or remember anything from that time the thought of seeing a shrink fills me with dread and makes my heart race and gives me the feeling of being trapped in a very small room. I have been seeing my therapist now for three months and though I do not feel any progress is being made I no longer stare at the door and window the entire time of our visits making sure I have an escape route at all times.
     So that is me in a nut shell. I have been trying to use this as a place to promote things that I do and I will continue to do that, but i wanted to expand this to a place where I could speak my mind freely. I often times have things to say that don't really fit anywhere else on the web like facebook or twitter, but still want to write them down. I don't know why, but I feel there is something healthy about writing our your feelings for others to read. It is almost empowering to expose yourself to the world in this way. Kind of like challenging the world to say something about it because honestly I don't care either way. And I don't mean that negatively I mean I am happy with myself. I was bullied relentlessly when I was younger and for no good reason. I was just a bit off. I thought differently than others. Was it tough then yes, did i find friends like me yes, and now i am stronger for it. would I change it if I could, of course no child should be bullied, but I am still standing here all of these years latter. So now that I have my first "long" post on here I will try to post here more frequently and I will try to answer questions when asked. so until i write again these are my words and opinions and you cannot change that ;P

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Struggling with content

I am having difficulty coming up with continent for my YouTube channel and for stuff to post here. First I will talk about here. I have thought about a few ideas here but not sure where to start. I have an idea for a not for profit, but not sure if there is much of a need for what I have in mind. I also have an idea for a small business, but not sure where to start with it. Also I'm not sure I have the time or energy to do either and I'm pretty sure I'm just talking to myself as I write this...

Secondly my YouTube stuff I feel I am slacking on.I had recorded a new video on how to change the thermal grease on a graphics card, but everything was so out of frame the entire video ended up needing to be scrapped. I just started to edit a video of an oil change in a 01 Honda crv  but the removal of the oil filter needs to be re shot. I never understood before hours much timbre and effort went into making videos and I feel like I am just scratching the surface!!!

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Chicken update!

I have uploaded another round of pictures of my chickens they can be found here.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017