Friday, November 16, 2018

Thursday, November 15, 2018

I cannot win with my ex right now

So for those of you not in the know I'm currently separated working on a divorce. We are both busy people and there is a lot of paperwork so it has been slow going. My soon to be ex (who will now be refereed to as just the ex) we were married for almost 13 years. Now for a bit of back story. I am forgetful and absent minded a lot more than your average person. Because of this I tend to put everything in a calendar now and if you want me to do something you need to describe exactly want you want. I will not anticipate your needs, and I do not get subtlety. My ex was reasonably accommodating, but today it has gone off the rails. She would put things in my calendar and if the time moved update the event. This will lead us into this afternoon evening.

She has been working towards a concert with a local group. A full ensamble (orchestra, large choir, conductor the whole shebang). She wanted the kids to see what she had been working on for the last month so she secured a few tickets. She had said before that she just wanted the kids to see her sing, but that they did not need to stay the whole time. The concert was tonight and she needed to be there at 18:00. Two weeks ago (not remembering this and it not being on my calendar) scheduled our sons parent teacher conference for Thursday at 5:15. This would not give her enough time to do that and then get to her performance. So I contacted the teacher and asked if we could move the time up. She agreed and moved it to 4:15. I update the schedule on mine and her calendar and send the updates. The day of the concert (today) is her normal day off. She is running errands and takes our daughter to get her hair cut and colored. She is reviewing the materials for her concert and asks me where she wants to leave the tickets so I can take our kids. I ask her if she could just bring them to the parent teacher conference and she says she cannot make it. I ask why not, and she says it is too close to the concert. I then say the parent teacher conference is at 16:15 I didn't think she had to be there that early. She realizes the time changed and says she can be there at that time.

We do the parent teacher conference and she has the tickets at home. She asks me where to leave them and I say on the wall next to the stairs. she agrees takes the kids home and goes to feed them and get ready for the concert. I go to my house eat myself spend some time with my dog. Shortly before I go to head over to her house to get the kids and the tickets she sends me a panicked message saying she cannot find her materials for the concert. I offer to help, but do not get a response. Then I leave my house at 18:00 to go get the kids the tickets and head out to the event knowing parking is going to be a nightmare. I get to her house tell the kids to get ready, but then I cannot find the ticket anywhere. I start looking behind the couch normal places mail is left and then start getting to odd places (note i do not know what the tickets look like). So i send her a few messages and do not get a response while I am still looking for these tickets. Then I try calling a few times and do not get a response. So I send a last message saying we are going to stay at the house unless I can find these tickets. 20 minutes go by and i finally get a call back saying they were on the railing in a white envelope. I search closet to the railing and find the tickets wedged between the wall and the stairs with only the envelope flap showing. I see the ticket master tickets inside grab the kids and head downtown.

I arrive downtown and as suspected parking is a mess. It is normally bad anyways but the added traffic of the concert does not help. Circling around in an ever greater radius I finally find a parking spot 4 blocks from the venue. I put money in the meter and start running towards the venue. We get in just as the announcements had been made and the conductor starts. We find seats and sit down. Our son brought a book and our daughter brought a sketch pad and both were mostly nonplussed about the whole thing. After an hour there it is intermission and we go to leave. we get about 100 ft from the door and I get a call from there mother asking where we are sitting. I said we were sitting in the upper balcony on the far stage left side. She says she wants to wave to the kids from her seat so we go back inside and find her wave then leave before it starts up again.

I take the kids back to her house (her week for the kids) and take them inside and get them ready for bed. Upon opening the door we are greeted to a cloud of smoke. Not knowing what is on fire/burning I start looking around and notice the oven is still on. I open the door and am nearly knocked over with the smell and the sting of smoke in my eyes. I grab a hot pad and take the offending pan outside and open the door and turn on the fans to help clear the house. After talking to our daughter she had been asked to turn off the oven when the timer went off which she thought she had done, but instead had just turned off the timer and not the timer and the oven. She says she was going to take the item in the oven out, but could not find two hot pads to remove the item. I informed her next time she can use a towel or to look for something else that can be used as a hot pad and or turn off the oven and open the door. She is really beating herself up over this and I say her mother also could of let me know and or set the oven timer so that when the timer went off it would shut off the oven as well. I send a long message to my ex explaining everything that happened at the house and asked if she had a concert on saturday and if she did I would take the kids out to do something during that time. I finish putting the kids to bed and then go home.

just after 2100 I get a sharp call from my ex asking why the kids didn't stay for the whole thing and that she was very upset that they did not stay for the entirety of the performance. I said that the kids were not very interested in the event and had asked to go home at the intermission and i had honored that request. She then presses into me that this is something she is very passionate about and wanted the kids to see it. I reiterate that in previous conversations that she had said when the kids wanted to go home that it was okay and that she had said that to me. She then says i didn't mean at intermission I meant not until the bitter end. At this point I tell her I cannot win with her and if i had known she wanted them to see the entire performance or if it meant that much to her she should have let me know in those terms not I want the kids to come and see it, but they do not need to stay for the full performance.



So I will say to you something to help prevent you from having an ex. If you mean one thing but say another you cannot expect the subtext to be the rules the other follows. If you want something done or want something not done be clear. If you are talking to someone who has a hard time remembering things and is prone to misunderstanding go into detail of what you want. Yes it is not ideal, but it prevents misunderstandings and crossed communications. If I need her help for something I ask, try to be a specific as i can, and now put things on the calendar. Lets say for instance I wanted to go out of town to visit my brother. When I did i made loose plans with him and then sent those to her. Then when it came to getting plane tickets I confirmed with her that she would be able to do that (her weekend with the kids already, but some adjustments needed to get them to school during that time as that is something i normally do) and she agreed. I then adjust my travel around these arrangements and put all the information into my calendar and copy her into it all. I don't have a point to it I'm just super frustrated right now and it just seems to be a wall between us when trying to communicate with each other.



*update*
My ex stopped over after her concert and "talked" with me. It was very heated at first but her and i are just on two different wavelengths right now. There was a lot I said i was going to do after i moved out and 0 of it has been done. And instead of asking me to do it she has just been doing it on her own. I have not been good about keeping my promises and need to do better, but the just doing it herself has made her very irritated with me. I am after writing this going to start putting events into my calendar to start finishing and doing a lot of the things around the house that i have left. hopefully things will get better because right now I just don't know how to coupe with all of it.

-1101base2